June 29, 2004 10:45 PM

Initiation is a moment . . . an internal moment.

Initiation is not something that can be bestowed upon you by anyone, human or god.

Initiation is like cresting the mountain and seeing for the first time the vastness of the world spread out below you . . . except that the vastness is YOU, the greatness and fullness of you.

The only way to reach that crest is to do a lot of hiking. A map helps, but reliable ones are not often found. Your inner compass is usually the most trustworty guide.

Of course, you can't live on the mountain peak. It doesn't have the necessary makings of a real life. And once you step down from it, you may not remember much of what that amazing panoramic view was like.

But you know that it's there . . . because you've seen it. You know that everything is within you: all the knowledge you need, all the truth you desire. It may take time and patience to locate the precise slice of wisdom that you require in order to navigate any particular life current. But after initiation, you never again need to look further than your own echoing depths for the keys to all mysteries.

You can recognize the initiated at a glance. They wander the streets bemused, and you can read the thought in their eyes: "I know that secret of the universe is lying around here somewhere . . . let's see . . . where did I put it?"

Anyone who tells you that they know what they are doing has not experienced true initiation.

Anyone who tells you that they know what you should be doing is trying to eat your brain. Run!

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June 20, 2004 09:45 PM

Moods are funny things. They're like internal weather . . . somewhat predictable, but never 100%. You may have some sense of which direction your moods are heading, but all the complex contributing forces - your emotional high and low pressure systems, the gulf streams of habit and memory, the fluctuations in your psychological temperature and stress pressure levels - well, they mean that there are always surprises in store.

I think we tend to trivialize moods. We dismiss whole complexes of emotions by saying, "Oh, you're just in a bad mood." Someone who is considered "moody," or subject to "mood swings" is not someone who is typically respected or trusted.

And yet . . . aren't we all "moody," really? The difference from person to person is not so much how unpredictable or intense the moods are (although I'm sure there is some variation in this area), but how much a person "lets on" when moods change . . . how much they express their moods, as opposed to showing the world an unchanging, moodless mask.

I don't know if everyone is like this, but I find whole stretches of time in my life where I feel like I'm not supposed to have moods. Most jobs, for example, require a kind of consistency of focus that doesn't really accomodate major mood swings.

But work isn't the only place where moods seem unwelcome. What if you've paid a lot of money to take a vacation trip? Aren't you kind of obligated to be in a good mood? What if you have tickets to a show or event? Plans with friends? Out of town visitors? All of these things are planned in advance, when you have no idea what your actual mood is going to be. These all seem to be occasions where we are expected to disregard our actual mood and just act like we're having fun no matter what.

Of course, other people maybe don't have this problem as much as I do. One thing I've been learning, since the panic attacks started in December, is that I seem to have a higher degree of sensitivity to physical and emotional fluctuations than many people. Natural changes in my body and my feelings, of the kind that most people hardly even notice, can drive me into a full-fledged, nauseous, dizzy, fight-or-flight panic. So maybe other people don't worry so much about being in a bad mood on vacation, because maybe it doesn't make much of a difference to them.

But really . . . I mean, even apart from my personal level of sensitivity, don't moods pretty much determine our reality? I mean, my experience of whatever happens "out there" in the world is filtered through whatever my current mood is. If I'm feeling good, everything that happens has something good about it. If I'm feeling bad, everything that happens has something bad about it.

So if we don't express our moods, if we don't give others a window into the way we are experiencing reality, how is anyone ever supposed to understand or connect with us? Putting a lid on the honest expression of moods seems to be a sure-fire road to isolation and alienation.

And worse . . . what if we get so good at cloaking our moods that we convince ourselves that there's really "nothing going on" in there?

Alienation from the self seems to me to be a far worse consequence than being considered "moody."

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June 19, 2004 01:24 AM

It's one in the morning. Do you know where your William Ted is?

Or who he is?

That, I guess is the question of the decade.

How come I always used to know who I was? And now I'm not so sure.

I guess I'm back. For now at least. I miss this, I miss you (oh anonymous and not-so-anonymous readers in cyberspace).

Even though I like for this to be a "Sunshiny" place, the truth is, I'm not happy all the time. In fact, these last several months may have been the least happy of my life. Not because anything externally happened. On the outside, my life has been moving on just fine.

But inside, that's another story. Reading back over my last entry I laugh . . . oh, if only I had known! Yes, it was time to rest, time to relax, time to stop and smell the roses, to do less theater, to ease off my Church commitments.

Little did I know that the withdrawal would be a forced one rather than a voluntary hiatus . . . that my body and mind were preparing for (sinister organ music please) a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!!!

I love that phrase, Nervous Breakdown. Reputable websites tell me that it is not an official medical term. It appears in no diagnostic manuals. It is a term that fifty years ago meant a variety of conditions that now have more specific definitions: anxiety disorders, panic attacks, episodes of depression. And in just a few months, after a lifetime of (what I believed was) very positive psychological health, I've suddenly had them all. After living a life of boundless energy and constant accomplishment, it's like something just snapped, and suddenly I couldn't function. Getting out of bed was a major victory in and of itself . . . some days I didn't even make it that far.

I don't mean to be self-indulgent, because I know people go through this much worse than I've been going through it, and for much longer periods of time. But still . . . it's my party so I'll whine if I want to. (You would whine to, if it happened to you. Sha la la.)

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