It's a NEW Day!!

June 19, 2004 01:24 AM

It's one in the morning. Do you know where your William Ted is?

Or who he is?

That, I guess is the question of the decade.

How come I always used to know who I was? And now I'm not so sure.

I guess I'm back. For now at least. I miss this, I miss you (oh anonymous and not-so-anonymous readers in cyberspace).

Even though I like for this to be a "Sunshiny" place, the truth is, I'm not happy all the time. In fact, these last several months may have been the least happy of my life. Not because anything externally happened. On the outside, my life has been moving on just fine.

But inside, that's another story. Reading back over my last entry I laugh . . . oh, if only I had known! Yes, it was time to rest, time to relax, time to stop and smell the roses, to do less theater, to ease off my Church commitments.

Little did I know that the withdrawal would be a forced one rather than a voluntary hiatus . . . that my body and mind were preparing for (sinister organ music please) a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!!!

I love that phrase, Nervous Breakdown. Reputable websites tell me that it is not an official medical term. It appears in no diagnostic manuals. It is a term that fifty years ago meant a variety of conditions that now have more specific definitions: anxiety disorders, panic attacks, episodes of depression. And in just a few months, after a lifetime of (what I believed was) very positive psychological health, I've suddenly had them all. After living a life of boundless energy and constant accomplishment, it's like something just snapped, and suddenly I couldn't function. Getting out of bed was a major victory in and of itself . . . some days I didn't even make it that far.

I don't mean to be self-indulgent, because I know people go through this much worse than I've been going through it, and for much longer periods of time. But still . . . it's my party so I'll whine if I want to. (You would whine to, if it happened to you. Sha la la.)

TRACKBACK (67)


	June 19, 2004 01:24 AM It's one in the morning. Do you know where your William Ted is? Or who he is? That, I guess is the question of the decade. How come I always used to know who I was? And now I'm not so sure. I guess I'm back. For now at least. I miss this, I miss you (oh anonymous and not-so-anonymous readers in cyberspace). Even though I like for this to be a "Sunshiny" place, the truth is, I'm not happy all the time. In fact, these last several months may have been the least happy of my life. Not because anything externally happened. On the outside, my life has been moving on just fine. But inside, that's another story. Reading back over my last entry I laugh . . . oh, if only I had known! Yes, it was time to rest, time to relax, time to stop and smell the roses, to do less theater, to ease off my Church commitments. Little did I know that the withdrawal would be a forced one rather than a voluntary hiatus . . . that my body and mind were preparing for (sinister organ music please) a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!!! I love that phrase, Nervous Breakdown. Reputable websites tell me that it is not an official medical term. It appears in no diagnostic manuals. It is a term that fifty years ago meant a variety of conditions that now have more specific definitions: anxiety disorders, panic attacks, episodes of depression. And in just a few months, after a lifetime of (what I believed was) very positive psychological health, I've suddenly had them all. After living a life of boundless energy and constant accomplishment, it's like something just snapped, and suddenly I couldn't function. Getting out of bed was a major victory in and of itself . . . some days I didn't even make it that far. I don't mean to be self-indulgent, because I know people go through this much worse than I've been going through it, and for much longer periods of time. But still . . . it's my party so I'll whine if I want to. (You would whine to, if it happened to you. Sha la la.) TRACKBACK (67)		Your Words Casey July 1, 2004 11:29 AM "Look, children, a new chapter: Sca-a-a-abs!" ("The Addams Family") Well, regardless of what comes out--pus or sunshine-- I'm glad to be in your audience again. Welcome back, WT. brandelion July 15, 2004 06:45 AM oh, Wm. Ted, it is so good to have you back. rain or shine. i'm glad you came back, if only for selfish reasons. one, i get to visit you again and leave little turd-like comments all over your site under the guise of 'interacting, with laughter and wisdom.' two, i'm glad to know i'm not the only one who goes through the viscious cycles--the struggle to write something worth reading, to not 'let down' the good people who take five minutes out of the day just to read one's tripe, the inner conflict between the public face and the real inside. i don't think it ever stops, really. in my experience, i've blogged what i wanted to blog, then slowly turned to censoring myself to serve what i thought were good interests, only to fall apart and give it up, walk away...and then come back after remembering what i started for. i don't foresee an end. it's a difficult game to be a quasi-public figure and a private citizen at the same time. actors and musicians do it all the time, yes, but they have publicists. we don't.