It's a NEW Day!!

March 13, 2003 06:20 PM

So here I sit in the Kaiser pharmacy, waiting for my drugs. It's kind of a funny story how I got here.

Y'all know I've been ill. And today, I was actually feeling a lot better . . . mostly. Except for the breathing thing. Sitting still in a chair and breathing shallow, I'm fine. But if I try and breathe deeply or do anything strenuous (like, um, walk down the hall to the bathroom) I go into a proxysm of wheezing coughs.

So a co-worker sent me this great e-mail. You may have seen it. The "Department of Homeland Security" has designed these great new terrorism warning icons, you know, to educate us public-types.

(Aside: Has anyone noticed that the acronym for Department of Homeland Security is DOHS. As in, the plural of the sound Homer Simpson makes when he does something particularly stupid. Does no one think of these things when they name government agencies?)

Anyway, some beautiful person took the time to come up with alternative captions for these new warning graphics. Here are some of my favorites:

If your building collapses, give yourself a blowjob while waiting to be rescued.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds however you may become sterile

Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the fuck away.

The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.

If you become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.

I'll link the complete list tomorrow . . . I left it at work. I wish I knew who wrote these captions, because I'd like to see that person get credit for their genius.

Anyway, reading these made me laugh really, really fucking hard. And with the breathing issues, it sounded very weird . . . all raspy-gaspy, as if I were some mutant offspring of a seal and a Hoover industrial-strength vaccum cleaner.

Not long afterwards, I was talking to my fabulous Hawaiian girlfriend, and I repeated the sound for her (because I thought that it, too, was pretty fucking funny in it's own way).

She said, "You sound like a dirty old man looking at pictures of Britney Spears."

This inspired me to repeat the sound several more times.

We both agreed that when a thirty-one-year-old homosexual starts sounding like a dirty old man looking at pictures of Britney Spears, medical attention is definitely warranted.

So the diagnosis, it turns out, is that the viral nastiness which has been engulfing the entire Bay Area has activated my long-dormant asthma.

How exciting!!

Am I allowed to blame both the terrorists AND the Department of Homeland Security for this??

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	March 13, 2003 06:20 PM So here I sit in the Kaiser pharmacy, waiting for my drugs. It's kind of a funny story how I got here. Y'all know I've been ill. And today, I was actually feeling a lot better . . . mostly. Except for the breathing thing. Sitting still in a chair and breathing shallow, I'm fine. But if I try and breathe deeply or do anything strenuous (like, um, walk down the hall to the bathroom) I go into a proxysm of wheezing coughs. So a co-worker sent me this great e-mail. You may have seen it. The "Department of Homeland Security" has designed these great new terrorism warning icons, you know, to educate us public-types. (Aside: Has anyone noticed that the acronym for Department of Homeland Security is DOHS. As in, the plural of the sound Homer Simpson makes when he does something particularly stupid. Does no one think of these things when they name government agencies?) Anyway, some beautiful person took the time to come up with alternative captions for these new warning graphics. Here are some of my favorites: If your building collapses, give yourself a blowjob while waiting to be rescued. Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds however you may become sterile Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the fuck away. The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand. If you become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit. I'll link the complete list tomorrow . . . I left it at work. I wish I knew who wrote these captions, because I'd like to see that person get credit for their genius. Anyway, reading these made me laugh really, really fucking hard. And with the breathing issues, it sounded very weird . . . all raspy-gaspy, as if I were some mutant offspring of a seal and a Hoover industrial-strength vaccum cleaner. Not long afterwards, I was talking to my fabulous Hawaiian girlfriend, and I repeated the sound for her (because I thought that it, too, was pretty fucking funny in it's own way). She said, "You sound like a dirty old man looking at pictures of Britney Spears." This inspired me to repeat the sound several more times. We both agreed that when a thirty-one-year-old homosexual starts sounding like a dirty old man looking at pictures of Britney Spears, medical attention is definitely warranted. So the diagnosis, it turns out, is that the viral nastiness which has been engulfing the entire Bay Area has activated my long-dormant asthma. How exciting!! Am I allowed to blame both the terrorists AND the Department of Homeland Security for this?? TRACKBACK (0)		Your Words bran March 22, 2003 03:16 PM heheh. those captions...are a symphony. as for sounding like a dirty old man checking out britney spears photos? i knew you had it in, baby. ;)